It started in November. Or maybe it was October.
But one day, a trickle down effect started, and it just did not stop.
Epiphany after epiphany began to happen.
And scales fell off my eyes.
One day I woke up and saw things different than I ever had all the days before.
And there was no turning back.
God started showing me the current climate of ministry, and mostly how I had become a part of it.....unknowingly.
I started feeling the pull to come away from quite a few things, social media especially.
I didn't respond to the pull at first.
But it got to the point that every time that I would log in or check my notices, I felt overwhelmed and even ill.
It felt like A LOT.
And it had never felt quite like so much to me before.
But it did now. And it got worse.
God started speaking to me about being hidden and the value of it.
I started to remember that the secret place is not something that we frequent in prayer, it is a mental destination that you abide in.
You live there.
It is precious....SACRED.....personal.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt overwhelmed by everyone wanting to share their secret place that was no longer so secret.
Everywhere I looked everyone was promoting something new.
Books, music, podcasts, churches, events.....it was everywhere that I turned.
Everyone had something to say.
And I sensed the fight and competition for everyone's attention.
It seemed that the thin line between ministry and business had been muddied.
The pandora box of what happens when people follow you had been opened.
And we all had our hand in the box looking for our moment....me included.
But for me it did not used to be that way.
Somewhere along the line, (I can't even remember when), someone said:
"Shaunee! You aren't out there. You aren't doing anything! How will people know you and find you?"
And I said: "You're darn skippy! I DO need to be doing something don't I?"
And so I did.
I started recording YouTube videos, and sharing reels and snippets of messages that I taught.
But it became a chore.
And it wasn't just that it was a chore.
The motive became keeping a commitment to myself more than just drawing people to Christ and "telling a truth that needed to be told."
Because that was the other thing......
I felt like I had something to say.
I felt like I had a truth to share that needed to be shared.
And sometimes the truth that you carry is so heavy that you just want to release it. And releasing it starts to feel better than the good feeling that comes with actually helping the people that need the truth.
And that ain't good.
That ain't right.
THAT AIN'T GOD.
And so I sat back.
And God asked me: "When did I ever tell you that I needed your help to come out of hiding?"
It was the heaviest question of my current season.
And I realized that I really did think that I needed to help God.
I thought that if I would ever be discovered....(don't even know by who and for what), didn't I need to be visible? NOPE.
I didn't need to help God at all.
I needed help.
And so I withdrew.
And I'm still mostly withdrawn.
I am sitting and listening.
I am asking God about me and ministry, and what that looks like.
Lord knows that I love him.
He also knows that I love people.
But I know that I need to know what ministry needs my focus right now.
And I don't want to push to save the world so that I can feel like I'm doing something.
I don't want to use ministry as a tool to make money.
I don't want to do anything that appears to be effective, but is not.
And the truth is, I feel sequestered. I feel like I don't want to be a part of a climate that is clamoring for people to follow us, only for us not to truly be leading them to Christ FOR Christ, as opposed to leading them to Christ FOR us.
And yes.....that's a thing happening.
I don't have much else to say.
I'm still figuring it all out.
But I am asking God to purify my heart anew and in truth.
Let nothing be done in vain glory....even the good things that help everyone else, but leave the giver vacant and void.